Above the Clouds

*(Written 12/21/2015)

As winter creeps up on us day by day (although so, so slowly), those sunny, blue skies slip away faster and faster, as do our daylight hours. I think Milwaukee is down to an average of 8ish “daylight” hours each day, but that does not imply sunny daylight. It’s basically saying, “the sun should rise at this time and set at this time, but you may not actually see it.”

As with most of my blog posts, I am currently 30,000 feet in the air taking a quick escape from Earth. Flying became somewhat regular to me when I began college and moved hundreds of miles from home. Then I moved to Wisconsin which is just a few more hundred; it can be a road trip away, but only with a commitment. Anyway, flying gives me the escape from reality I need that leads to some of my greatest reflection and insight (at least I think so). I severely struggle at shutting down my mind and reflecting on those average-Joe-just-want-to-sleep days. The distractions, commitments, priorities (out-of-line, might I add), and noise often take my attention away from the important things in life: joy, laughter, smiles, peace, community, conversation, etc. etc. etc. I like to be busy, I thrive being busy (a productive nurse is always doing something!). But it certainly does catch up to me, which is where flying comes in handy.

With these gray days that we’re beginning to experience, I always love escaping in a plane to the land above the clouds. The land where the sky is notoriously blue and the sun is shining regardless of the weather 30,000 feet below. The place where clouds look like the coziest lovesacs where I long to relax. A place where children marvel from inside the plane's windows at the Earth below and where people and their things are tiny little specs, if even that. I love reflecting at how small we really are even when, some days, we feel so big, so mighty, so powerful. Although there are definitely days where we feel small, worthless, shameful, and mini, maybe even a spec of dirt on the Earth. Flying above the clouds reminds me how close I am to the Earth’s light source, but furthermore, how close I always am to the True Light. To Jesus.

This season has been somewhat the unraveling of a new season of my life. Although I have no clue what that may be, I know it definitely involves some sort of change. I think for the first time in my entire life, I do not have a concrete plan (HA!) or a place I have to be. I like to see change as wonderful and healthy, a chance to grow. But sometimes change is so inconvenient, so expensive, such a commitment. Last week was a special milestone for my classmates and myself. As we wrapped up our nursing program at Marquette, we got to briefly marvel in one another’s new plans. Very bittersweet conversations nonetheless, as we have already begun branching off to our reach our next goals. Though we were able to celebrate the completion of nursing school together, it is important to keep in mind that the real celebration focuses on what awaits us in the coming year and those that follow. And the real triumph more than anything? We have the skills and knowledge to help us adapt to beginning a new era of our lives. After learning, living, and rejoicing alongside my classmates at Marquette, I am confident that we are all ready for those first few steps. We can watch each other’s dreams unfold. Talk of travel. More education. Whatever it may be, we get to embrace the success of one another and that is something special. At last! We are free.

As we stood there on the graduation stage peering over the edge to the new phase of our lives, we were able to reflect back on the integrity that got us to that moment—the moral uprightness and strong principles we had developed. That accomplishment is worth more than excelling in a sport, success in the workplace, or even the satisfaction we were feeling then, as we danced across this stage, because without integrity, no such accomplishments have significance. I delightfully look forward to seeing that integrity play out in our nursing practices, with all our patients, with their families, and with all of our colleagues. I am so thrilled to have shared this milestone with so many wonderful people!

Yay!!

My Peruvian buddies!!

My rockin' roomies! Couldn't have done it without them.

This Christmas season, I am thankful for our great God whom I so poorly serve. I am thankful that He continues to bless me regardless of my transgressions or how much attention I give Him. I am thankful for my dear friends—that means you!—for loving me always and for accepting me even when you don’t want to, or when you disagree with my actions. I am seriously so ridiculously blessed by all of my family-ships and friendships; so blessed that I often lose sight of that in the midst of chaos. I like to be busy—I thrive being busy, remember?—but I also run out of gas quickly. Above the clouds is such a wonder, a wondrous time for me to fill my lungs to completion and reflect on all the wonder that happens everyday. Thanks for joining me! I pray this holiday season finds you blessed and warm. I pray you fill up with laughter and joy as you spend the days with those you love and those who love you. I pray you are able to use your eyes to find the good in one another, in your patients (for nurses/healthcare professionals), and in Jesus. I pray you put your healing hands to work, that your healing power will touch those you care for and any patients who need you. I pray you follow your caring hearts, for when our hands and eyes become weary, our hearts will still be there to guide us peacefully. And finally, thank you, Lord for the support You’ve given us to get to this moment and for the encouragement to make it through our challenges. We thank You for all our success and future endeavors. Amen.

How Did I Get Here?

I should be currently sitting in the Milwaukee Airport waiting for a 6 hour and 20 minute non-direct (LAX sucks) flight to Oakland, landing me there at 7:30 pm. That includes a 2-hour time change and probably a lot of snacks. Since when did traveling home via airplane take over an hour? But, as I said, I should be there.

Life is so unpredictable, and even at 21 years old I'm still discovering adult-like secrets. (Suddenly the phrase, "you'll understand when you're my age," make sense. Thanks mom and dad!) I just finished up my first semester of nursing school at Marquette! Only 4 to go. However, on Monday I received one of the worst phone calls ever: my college roommate was on the other end sobbing that her brother had died that morning.

My heart erupted. Right there in the middle of Marquette's beautiful campus I wanted to sit down, sob, cry, scream, and mourn for her desperately sudden loss. But, that's not what mature adults do (or so I've been told). Being in the Midwest makes the country seem so much smaller--I'm suddenly within distance to everything, so I changed my flight and am currently on my way to be with her and her family for the weekend. Lord, hold me and speak Your healing words through me so that I may be a comfort and a source of healing for them through this tragedy.

The next day, I found this beautiful quote from Beth Moore and it changed my life: "The art of friendship is forged in pain. It's allowing your own heart to break with theirs instead of fixing what you can't." Amen. Bring the healing.

For the last couple weeks I have been experiencing so many new things that the Midwest has to offer, and it has been one giant, 2-month long adventure! Since then I have been meticulously sorting through all sorts of scrambled thoughts in my mind and trying to come up with a nice, fresh updated blog post that everyone has been waiting for! This way I can give everyone a big update without leaving anyone out. I've always been thoughtful like that. ;)

I hate to disappoint, but this is going to flow about as well as all the thoughts in my mind. If you've ever had an extensive conversation with me, you may know exactly how this post is going to look. (I'll never know if you close the browser now, so there's no need to feel guilty if you "have to run".)

Anyway, about a year ago my calendar was covered in so many different colored scribbles that sometimes I woke up 5 minutes before I had to be at work; sleep was obsolete so I liked to take advantage when I could. One of my biggest concerns was if the carseats were installed properly in the back of my car for the twins I nannied for. One of my biggest fears was Senior Year of college; how was it just weeks away already? One of my biggest joys was spending quality time with the best friends anyone could ever wish, pray, hope, or dream for (you know who you are). One of my most consistent prayers was, "Keep me sane, Lord. Reveal Your plan to me clearly. Transform my heart and mind. Transform the hearts and minds of everyone around me. Unite us."

That prayer is the only thing that remains the same a year later. I have since:

1. Turned 21 (it wasn't as crazy as it sounds),
   
2. Welcomed the most adorable puppy into my extended family (okay, it's my bff's, but still),
   
3. Donated 13" of hair (yay, less tangles!), 
   
4. Said goodbye to Candlestick Park (home of my beloved 49ers from 1971 to 2013!),
   
5. Welcomed a new year with my dearest friends (2014 sounds so much nicer than 2013, right?),
   
6. Watched the Sharks almost sweep the Kings (it was 3-0) in the NHL playoffs, only to lose the series 3-4 (I'm still recovering, but talking about it now is helping),
   
7. Completed 4 years of collegiate rowing (I thought it would never end),
   
8. Graduated from college (cue instant anxiety),
   
9. Moved out of the best apartment in San Diego (minus the no AC thing),
   
10. Gotten a new car (yay, gas mileage!),
    
11. Moved across the country (or close enough),
    
12. Started nursing school (cue gray hair),
    
13. Bought my first down jacket (I hear it gets cold here),
    
14. Met and befriended an exceptional group of people in Milwaukee (their opinions may be different),
    
15. Tried so many different beers (Brew City?),
    
16. Stayed up later than I ever did in undergrad (no morning practice!),
    
17. Started working out when I want to (and definitely not for 20 hours each week, NCAA),
    
18. Made Milwaukee (and Wisconsin!) my new home.
    

So, fast forward a year from then (I went on a mini tangent, oops). One of my biggest concerns now is how fast time goes without me even noticing (I say it every single day--ask my roommates). One of my biggest fears now is flunking out of nursing school. One of my biggest joys now is experiencing an entirely new city/state/region of the country, a new school, new relationships, new surroundings, and new outlook on life. It is so beautiful. But wait, I live in Milwaukee? How did that even happen and when did I grow up? Another year and some months from now, I could be moving again and it could literally be to anywhere. I feel like I should be freaking out, but I'm strangely at peace and it's so comforting.

Earlier this week on my way to a coffee shop, I was listening to a song by Switchfoot (Awakening, look it up immediately, with the lyrics probably) and felt a serious connection with God in the moment (some of my best soul searching is done in the car, seriously). I said to myself, "Lord, I want to hit rock bottom so I can rely on You more faithfully." Not even two split seconds later, I saw a 3-legged dog hobbling gingerly down the sidewalk and I lost it. How unfair. Why does a dog have 3 legs? Why doesn't he get a prosthetic leg like humans can? Yet, this pup looked happier than a kid with candy...he certainly didn't know any different! How could I even complain running to the car in the rain anymore; I have the complete capability to walk and run normally.

Then, two days later I received that phone call from a dear friend and immediately thought, "Shoot, I guess the Lord is really listening to me. Rock bottom."

In the beginning of the summer I was running down by the lake (one of my favorite things to do in Milwaukee) when I saw an itty bitty wheelchair up ahead. As I approached the little girl and her family, I noticed how she was very fragile looking, hairless and pale. I tried super hard not to change my demeanor (besides a gentle smile, I'm sure), but my heart broke and I melted into the sidewalk. I wanted to pick her up out of the wheelchair and carry her in my arms the rest of my run. I wanted to hold her in my arms and lay in the perfectly green grass all afternoon listening to her talk about her favorite movies and games, what she was learning in school, what her favorite pet was like, why she and her little brother were arguing, why it was so easy for her to flash her tooth-gapped smile in the midst of obvious suffering.

A few weeks ago while in class, I asked my professor if nurses get emotional while at work. I don't remember exactly what we were discussing in class at that moment, but I remember getting choked up and a little teary. She said it is very common for nurses to get connected to their patients and then struggle to let go when they pass away. However, they must hold it together in front of the patients, understandably so. For some reason I'm guessing it wouldn't be very professional for me as a nurse to crawl into bed with a child after hooking up a chemo treatment, but...my heart! 

How does any of this relate? It relates in every way. One of the most beautiful things I have learned about myself in the last year is how carefully the good Lord designed my heart. It's one complicated organ, but I have loved diving into and virtually dissecting my own heart, discovering all there is to it. In an instant I can flash from utter joy to utter despair. I can be jumping for joy then sobbing for pain. I can squeal with delight then scream in anger. I can be smiling for comfort then collapsing with empathy. My heart can't ever catch a break; I'm one talented person.

This past year has been a continuous roller coaster, complete with the drastic loops and jaw-dropping free-falls. There would be eventful days that I'd make it through by the skin of my teeth and thank the Lord that I was able to rest peacefully, then wake up to the same, sometimes harsh, reality. Applying to schools last fall was a whirlwind and not the most impressive times of my life. Rowing became a beautiful disaster and physically traumatizing (but my teammates...boy, my teammates. Love doesn't even begin to explain the feelings I have for those people). Moving from San Diego saw more tears than a funeral, as did my first day in Milwaukee (sorry, mom!). I'm not sure what's so magic about the age of 21, but ever since turning that age last year, I have been on the greatest, most thrilling ride ever. Is this real life? I hear people talk about that all the time, but I think I'm finally catching on. It has been painful, thrilling, new, fun, dreadful, redeeming, peaceful, and freaking full of glory. It's still going, and strangely enough, I hope it never ends.

My day-to-day experiences are different now. I wake up excited to see what's in store. I don't fear the unknown anymore and my heart doesn't race when I hear the word "future". I am thrilled to see where God takes me each day and to meet the people He puts in my path. I allow myself to step back and take everything in, rather than jumping ahead of myself. I am thankful for each day's challenges and each day's successes, whether they are often or far between, full of joy or full of pain.

So, what was that constant (way, way back in the beginning) again? PRAYER. Keep me sane, Lord. Reveal Your plan to me clearly. Transform my heart and mind. Transform the hearts and minds of everyone around me. Unite us.

I am incredibly thankful, blessed, overwhelmed, redeemed, and passionate for this SWEET life I've been given. God has been so good to me, but I haven't always been the best disciple. I wish I were, but here's another harsh reality that I've learned (and should have memorized) this year:

You are not perfect without Christ. You will make mistakes. You are perfectly and wonderfully made. You are beautiful even if you don't feel so. You are so dearly loved, deeply cared for, and sincerely desired by the most perfect, holy, trusting, and steadfast Lord. Stay positive, stay passionate, stay rooted in faith.

Keep going.

The three-legged dog, the sick girl in the wheelchair, my friend's dead brother, all of us...time does not stop. We must pick up our crosses everyday and carry them. We must carry them faithfully and whole-heartedly. It doesn't matter if we want to or not. What that is easy is worth it? Our days are numbered and we can't waste them. I don't want a day to pass that I'm not joyful or finding something to be joyful about. Life is not meant to be easy, but we can make it easier by admitting that we are imperfect beings and staying in constant connection with God. The only thing I'm perfect at is sinning.

Keep going.

The Lord is waiting for us and will always be ready with His arms open wide. We are all at different places in life and always will be. Everyone is experiencing their own pains, own triumphs, own fears. Let's unite and be one in Christ. Let's be fearful, fearless disciples. Lift your friends up, lift your enemies up--it's amazing what a small piece of encouragement can do in the middle of a seemingly endless day.

Keep going.

This, everything I said above and commit to daily, is certainly not (never, ever) easy for me, but I hope that by sharing my own experiences and my own "wisdom" (still not old enough for that), I can stimulate all two of my blog readers to be better. We are all here together striving for the same goals; why don't we live that way?

In the past year, I also have started a mini weekly text group that I write to every Wednesday (or Thursday if I forget). I love connecting with those special people each week. I choose a passage from the Bible (generally it has to do with whatever is going on in my life) and write a small blurb of my own encouragement (or what I think is encouraging :)). If you're interested in getting on the list of recipients, feel free to let me know! There is no limit for text message recipients--remember when there was? I think my first texting plan was 250 messages per month. HA!

I am praying for anyone who makes it this far in the post. WOW. Bless you. :) But seriously, I hope this post has found you enlightened and encouraged to go spread some love and light in whatever situation you're in. I pray that you delight in your struggles and give God thanks for the blessings. I pray that each day awakens you with a warm peace and gentle smile. I pray that you love others as Jesus loves us. I pray that your hearts be opened and your minds be transformed as we move forward and that you keep going.

Keep me sane, Lord. Reveal Your plan to me clearly. Transform my heart and mind. Transform the hearts and minds of everyone around me. Unite us. Amen.

Sending all my love and the biggest hugs,
Alex :)

I remember...

...when I said goodbye to all of my friends one afternoon. I never thought life was going to be worth it being separated from them.

...the day I moved into the dorms back in August 2010 and the air conditioning was out, it was at least 95* outside, and I was sweating like a pig.

...when I didn't know anyone except my roommate so we walked around aimlessly and acted like we knew what was going on.

... how I thought SDSU's campus was gigantic and I would never "get" it.

...the moment my mother left me for the last time and I was officially on my own. I felt bad because I wasn't sad or sure how to react since I was pretty independent throughout high school--senior year especially.

...how my roommate cried when her mom left and I then I felt bad for not caring.

...the first weekend of school a (drunk) girl was "stuck" on my floor and kept trying to exit through the emergency door, setting the alarm off numerous times at 3:30 am.

...feeling lonely the first few weeks and especially the first day of school. I had SUCH a strong support system here at home and an awesome group of friends, it was hard to transition to nothing.

...when I met a couple friends from high school for dinner one night. It was really nice to see familiar faces and feel comfortable again.

...trying to navigate my way downtown on public transit on 9/11/10 to meet a lady who I babysit for. Needless to say, I got extremely lost (heading to Mexico), cried HYSTERICALLY for a good 45 minutes, met her for dinner, and then called my roommate to come pick me up. Traumatizing event.

...the day I turned 18 on the 18th. My dad came down to spend the day with me and it was just lovely. At this point I still hadn't bonded with many real friends (it was only the third week) and who wants to spend their 18th alone? Or any birthday, for that matter.

...when tryouts for crew started and my friendships started forming. I will never forget that first bunch of teammates.

...the first month of college...

Pulling at my Heart Strings

Since opening this blog, I have gotten shed some information about myself but I have yet to get "deep". You can mark this post as the one in which Alex goes deep. :)

As a baby, I was baptized into the Catholic faith in my home parish and have been going to church there ever since. Well, ever since I moved to San Diego a week and a half ago. I spent 17 years and 11 months there- more than I have ever been anywhere else. When I was a tween and pre-teen (ages 11-15) I absolutely abhorred going to church. Hated it. So much, that I would pretend to sleep when my dad woke me up for mass. So much that I would pretend to be sick and cry until he left so I could go back to sleep. However, more times than not, I hauled myself out of bed and sulked all the way through mass. When I resided at my mom's house, she never really minded. It was my choice if I went to mass or not and I loved it! I felt like I was free and could do what I wanted. So, in that case, I hardly ever went when I was at her house.

About two years ago or so, I started to really feel a change in my attitude towards church. I started enjoying it and getting up every Sunday morning to attend. I felt appreciative for the opportunity to go and really took advantage of going. However, there's only so much one can do by going to mass one time per week. That's really all I did- one hour a week focusing on God, and the other 167 hours of the week were "me" time. Me, me, me.

That's when this beautiful lady jumped into my life. This gorgeous Jesus-freak from Southern California, E, came in a little over a year ago to take over the Youth Ministry program at my hometown church. Before she arrived, I was involved a bit with Youth Ministry. I was on the leadership team and led a retreat or two, but I never really felt it like I probably should have. Boy oh boy, did E change that!

I was a little hesitant when E stepped foot in our Youth Room for the first time as Youth Minister. I had already gone through a lot of change and disappointment in the years before that, the last thing I wanted was change in my church. It had also been quite a while since a woman led our youth program. Oh man, was I wrong. E has been the best thing that ever happened to me. Although, if I say that she will only say, "It's not me, it's God working through me!" Which is true, by the way. But how great is that? Amazing.

E and I have had many, many hearty conversations and it has felt so good to open up to her over the last year. I was blessed beyond measure to lead three of the retreats that she held last school year and shared at all three of them. It was then that I actually started feeling the Lord move inside of me and I suddenly became conscious of the fact that He really is with us all.the.time. I cannot even imagine where I would be without E and all her prayers, teachings, stories, etc. I love her dearly!!!

Life in Christ (LinC) retreat leaders 2010

With that being said, the move to San Diego for me has been a little bit rough. I absolutely love the college life and the city and everything about it, but I sincerely miss my church back home and all of the youth and adults that go there. They all fill me with such glee and I miss it!!!! I went to church yesterday for the first time here in San Diego and it felt so good to be back (I missed last Sunday, but it felt like an eternity). So good to be back. It was amazing. During mass, I started crying. It was so random... Crying real tears, which is semi-odd for me to do ever let alone in public. I think it was a mixture of missing home and being surrounded by strangers that hit me. I got over it quick! ;) Thank you for everything, E!! I wouldn't be half the person I am today without your guidance.

Hitched!

After college, graduate school, residencies, three different locations, five different continents traveled to, many memories made, and seven years of dating...

...let me introduce to you Dr. and Mrs. A

July 31, 2010

Congratulations, L and P!!!!! You two are going to be a fabulous couple for the rest of your lives and be some awesome parents once parenthood comes your way. I am so blessed to have you both in my life- hopefully I will see you in Denver soon! xoxo

L and me on wedding day!

L and me at the Yankee game in NYC, 2007

New Beginnings

As I sat in the San Diego International airport the other day, I pondered the idea of starting a blog. I have been reading various blogs for a couple years: mommy blogs, cancer woes and milestones, and the occasional health blogs (I try avoiding these). I have never been one to write often, but in the last month or so the thought of starting a blog kept coming into my mind as an actual possibility. And that is how I got here...

New beginnings

New surroundings

New school

New friends

New study habits

New blog

As I head off to college in a couple weeks, I feel as if starting a blog is very fitting in the "new" department. Another reason for this is so I can remember my college days. I want to be able to look back in four years and see how I thought moving into the dorms was. Chances are, I probably won't remember once I'm graduating and finishing off my final clinicals and whatnot (if all goes as planned, that is).

Welcome to my new blog and my new beginnings.